Skaters throw caution - and class - to the wind

Here's one for you: What does the music from 'Moulin Rouge' and the Carpenters' greatest hits have in common?

The answer: Nothing, unless you went to see Target Stars on Ice at the Verizon Center on Sunday.

And I still don't think the two have that much in common.

I was expecting a show much like the Champions on Ice program I saw earlier this year. Skaters take the ice, one at a time, to give one of their performances.

Instead, I got some sort of musical theater on ice.

And I guess if that's what you were looking for, you won big time.

If I wanted to see theater, however, I would have gone to see a play. What I wanted to see was good skating.

And there was good skating, but in addition there was also a lot of talking and - gasp! - bad singing. It was like a night at the cabaret gone horribly wrong.

My first clue that the show would not be as I had expected was the prerecorded Scott Hamilton voice coming over the PA. At least the one at Champions on Ice sounded like someone who could've actually been in the building.

But I didn't fret too much, there were a bunch of skaters I wanted to see that night, and I wasn't going to let that get in the way. Among the cast were some of my favorites, including Kurt Browning, Ilia Kulik, Katarina Witt and Kristi Yamaguchi.

Then the unthinkable happened: Someone handed one of the skaters a microphone. A microphone! What on earth could a skater possibly want with that' That is where disaster struck.

Skaters were never meant to talk, but here they were in skits about potential suitors and finding love, all to the tunes of 'Moulin Rouge,' or worse, with no music at all.

It all seemed a little tasteless. The outfits were barely there, the talk was trashy, and the gyrations, well, you get the picture. All I could think about was what my poor mother, who was sitting next to me, must have been thinking. (Although, I asked her after the show, and she said she didn't get the same idea that I had.)

From where I sat, I could see at least three kids under 10. I don't know if that's the kind of show I would bring my kids to, if I had any.

Even Katarina, who has been one of my favorites since her Olympic performance of 'Carmen' eons ago, skated to a song that contained the line, 'If sex were an Olympic sport, we'd have won the gold.'

But, by far, the worst part of the show was when the three self-proclaimed 'divas,' Katarina, Kristi and Tara Lipinski, did a faux rap, which for lack of a better name, I'll call 'G to the O to the L to the D.' As you can imagine, it was all about how they all - at some point - have won a gold medal. And as you can all pretty much guess, it was the lamest thing I've ever witnessed in my life.

I wasn't really offended by the tawdriness; it just seemed forced and awkward.

I couldn't get over it. Who gave these girls the microphones' And more important - why' The only thing I could come up with is that the show needed some filler. There were only 13 skaters at the event.

One of which, special guest Todd Eldredge, became an instant highlight of the show. First of all, he was after my own heart skating to music from 'Lord of the Rings.' Plus, he skated beautifully, the kind of performance that makes you well up.

He wasn't trashy or lashing out against a pre-made image. Todd skated with grace and style.

Or so the woman behind me thought. Now is as good a time as any to mention that I was sitting in front of figure skating's biggest fan. Every time someone came out on the ice, she would shout out 'I love you, Kurt!' or 'Yay!' or 'Todddd!'

But the worst, and I don't find this at all funny, is when she bellowed out 'Ahn-coa, ahn-coa,' thus forever changing - at least in my mind - the name of this publication.

Whatever you do, though, don't get on my case for bashing the Stars on Ice. I had a great time, you know that. And if anything, this show was probably more entertaining because I found so many things innately wrong with it.

And there were a few things I enjoyed here that you would never see in a Champions on Ice show. Contrary to popular belief, I loved 'Moulin Rouge.' (The fact that I don't want to see it on ice is a totally different matter.) I liked the number where the boys came out skating with the vanity tables to the soundtrack's version of 'Roxanne.' I also enjoyed when all the boys came out in corsets and fishnet stockings.

Come to think of it, most of the parts I liked were skated by the men. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention how much everyone enjoyed the many solo performances of Ilia Kulik. He's got to be a human pretzel. The way he moves across the ice is mind-boggling.

I think the most underrated skater in the show is Steven Cousins, whom I wrote about last week. I'll admit, I didn't know who he was when I talked to him, but after I saw him Sunday night, he stole my heart. He's got all of the great qualities that made everyone love Kurt Browning - he makes eye contact, he's got a great personality and he's not afraid to take a chance.

And that number he did with Katarina was adorable.